A Wasted Day

and I might even be tempted to add….a wasted life too.

I’ve had a headache since Sunday, one of those that waxes and wanes and sometimes has you crawling into a darkened room and hiding from the light and loud noises. Today it is affecting my vision slightly, or it may be my perception rather than my actual vision.

The only useful thing I have done today was walk the dog. I’d even hoped the fresh air would help my head but it hasn’t. I feel spaced out and unreal, and I haven’t even taken any tablets. I did try and sort out some arrangements for the student I am taking on for a week in March, but even that I didn’t get very far. Mostly all I have done all day was read. I’d be reading still, propped up in bed with a cat perched on my stomach, but I finished the book.

It just feels as though time is slipping through my fingers and I am doing nothing. Nada, niet, rien, nothing. I feel blocked on about every level I can think of:  emotionally, professionally, spiritually and creatively. I used one of my new meditation CDs yesterday to try and at least find some peace. It took me on a journey, and if you are familiar with this sort of meditation you know the kind of thing I mean. Anyway, during the meditation I was given a “gift” from the Well of Wyrd. Trouble is, I have no idea what it means. The gift was a block or a cube of wood. I have a horrid, sneaking suspicion it means simply that: blocked. I’ve had better presents, I can tell you!  

I feel like everything has ground to a resounding halt. I’m feeling like death warmed over, and I don’t feel as if there is a lot to look forward to. I’ll feel better tomorrow probably but the issues remain. I can’t find any motivation to push forward in any direction and I don’t know how to find that motivation either. I keep going to bed hoping that I will feel better in the morning, that I’ll have an inspiring dream that tells me where to go, or the plot of a story, or simply some reassurance that despite evidence to the contrary I’m on the right path.

I’m not ranting exactly because I’m not actually angry. Just despondent and low.

If you’re the sort to pray, I’d be honoured if you would pray for me.

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7 thoughts on “A Wasted Day

  1. Viv: Prayers, you have got. Two things occur to me as I read this post. First, that the “block” that you are experiencing has some type of intent in it; even though it is a bit unnerving, because you feel like you are not moving as you would like, there is purpose to it, in some way, and my thought is that when it clears, you will emerge with some new, fresh perspective. I think you are being prepared for something big……

    Also, the block, the literal block of wood that was brought to you during your meditation, reminds me of a movie that we all watched a few months ago, called “Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium”. Family movie about a magical, mystical toy store and its eccentric owner. He gives his clerk a gift of a block of wood, and she needs to discover in the movie what it means…..

    If you have a chance, watch that. Maybe you need to revisit the child in yourself…….

    Sending a gentle hug as well!

  2. Hi Viv,

    I totally agree with Vanessa. You are being prepared for something bigger. I wrote about this on my blog. The potter and the pot. I hope this helps .

    http://ekta57.blogspot.com/2008/12/potter-and-pot.html

    “Even in your deepest and darkest moments you will not be abandoned”

    this is the mantra that I have been following for some years now. I know for sure that even strangers like me can come to comfort you.

    The Universe is so compassionate that it hears even the smallest, silent call of the heart. I totally adhere to that understanding and I know for sure that you are not alone.

    You will be amazed how your call will be answered !

    Take Care,
    love – Shweta

    • Dear friends,
      many, many thanks for your words. They are a balm to my soul.
      I sometimes get the feeling I am being prepared for something, and something big. And then, nothing happens!
      I chafe against the constraints of my current life; I can be and do so much more than I do and am now. And yet, the outlets, the forums, the canvases for this simply are not there. I find I cannot write. Oh, I can write a bit here and there but the kind of writing that gives my soul wings is not there right now. And I know why. If you know that your baby would be born into a world that doens’t want it, would reject it and abandon it, would you ever choose to get pregnant? If you’d seen it happen to other beloved children? No. nor would I. And that’s what it feels like. Every job I apply for that is more in keeping with my skills, I get nowhere(OK, so that’s normal, it’s happening all around me) and while I enjoy what i do, it’s not enough; I don’t have all year round work and none of it is guaranteed. I don’t have a contract and I don’t have any idea what work will come in or when. Last year I worked all through June, July and August working weekends as well as weekdays, often doing a 13 hour day, simply because the work was available and I didn’t know when the next work would be, and I nearly collapsed with exhaustion by the end. There’s a photo of me falling asleep in the staff room, at the START of the day. I know I’m worth more than that and that my skills are underused and exploited.
      Ah, me! I shall take time to pray and think. And I will order the film Vanessa mentioned, or see if I can find it locally. I have also made an appointment with the doctor. The headache has not gone away and every lymph gland is up and hurting. So I suspect I may have an infection or something.
      anyway, big thanks to you both and prayers for you, too!
      love,
      viv

  3. Viv, I am the sort to pray, and indeed I have already as soon as I read your post, and will continue to do so. But those headaches really troubles me. I’m glad you’re going to the doctor. They certainly sound like migraines which I have suffered from, and there’s good medication out there now so you do not need to suffer like you are. I can’t even imagine how you’re reading through the pain! And how can you possibly feel anything but blocked when you’re in so much pain? Maybe the block is what’s pounding your head…but then again…we come full circle per Vanessa and Shweta..

    • Many thanks for your prayers, dear Psychscribe.
      I’ve had migraines before and this is nothing like them. I came to realise that migraines often came as a result of a lot of searching and I think they were caused by my brain and nervous system making major changes to themselves.
      As for the pain, it waxes and wanes. I’m having trouble typing successfully but reading isn’t a problem. I shall post one day about my emergency appendectomy a few years ago; I managed to walk, crawl and stagger half a mile to get to where they could set a helicopter down, all with a swollen and infected appendix. They only found me in the end because of the herd of cows that came to keep me company! It’s very hard to see one individual on the ground when they can’ get up and wave! I remember talking about Odysseus with the ER doctor as he tried to get a line into me to give me morphine; I use such things as displacement.
      yes, blocked. I will see what happens.

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