I’m off today, no work. My last assignment with the recent group was yesterday afternoon, and it brought a rather nice week to a pleasant close. I’ve totted up my hours and this week I’ve worked 23 hours. It doesn’t sound a lot; it’s at the top end of what people think of as part time. But I was dead on my feet when I got home last night, as I have been every evening this week and last week.
This morning, I thought I would surely feel a bit better as I’ve got today at home but already (it’s not even 9am yet) I want to go back to bed. The domestic chores are seeming like another mountain to climb and it’s been like this for ever, it seems. I manage to maintain the basics of laundry, cooking, cleaning and so on, but I never want to start to tackle what is loosely termed “home improvements” like painting or decorating. I just cannot face it. I can’t face the disruption or the monumental effort it would take me to start and then complete a project. The house is a mess. I maintain a certain level of mess I can live with but I have a terrible unease if anyone visits because I feel insecure about it.
But I simply have no energy for the kind of thing other people seem to come home from work to get on with, and even enjoy doing. When I get home, I want to eat and turn into a vegetable either in front of the TV or the PC, and then go to bed by about 9pm. Last night I got home about sixish and had a cup of tea and then took the dog out. When I got back, my legs were hurting so much I had trouble getting up the stairs. I cooked dinner for my daughter and had something ready for my husband who got it shortly after nine.
I simply don’t know how I’m going to cope in July and August when I need to work seven days a week while the work is there, to cover for the winter months when there is no work at all. Added to this, the new regime dictates I have to produce a detailed lesson plan for every lesson I teach. This means a good half an hour to an hour every evening to prepare. When I do excursions at the weekends, I’m often not home till 9.30pm. If I don’t produce plans to the standard asked for, I’ll get asked (read: ordered) to do them again. I get the same rate as I got last year even though I’m being asked to do more.
I don’t understand how people manage to work full time, keep up with the domestic chores as well as home improvements, and all the rest of the things other people seem to do. I’m starting to feel like an inferior human being because I just can’t do it. I make excuses for myself all the time but in the end, I just fail to keep up.