Just too damn tired…

That’s me.

I’m off today, no work. My last assignment with the recent group was yesterday afternoon, and it brought a rather nice week to a pleasant close. I’ve totted up my hours and this week I’ve worked 23 hours. It doesn’t sound a lot; it’s at the top end of what people think of as part time. But I was dead on my feet when I got home last night, as I have been every evening this week and last week.

This morning, I thought I would surely feel a bit better as I’ve got today at home but already (it’s not even 9am yet) I want to go back to bed. The domestic chores are seeming like another mountain to climb and it’s been like this for ever, it seems. I manage to maintain the basics of laundry, cooking, cleaning and so on, but I never want to start to tackle what is loosely termed “home improvements” like painting or decorating. I just cannot face it. I can’t face the disruption or the monumental effort it would take me to start and then complete a project. The house is a mess. I maintain a certain level of mess I can live with but I have a terrible unease if anyone visits because I feel insecure about it.

But I simply have no energy for the kind of thing other people seem to come home from work to get on with, and even enjoy doing. When I get home, I want to eat and turn into a vegetable either in front of the TV or the PC, and then go to bed by about 9pm. Last night I got home about sixish and had a cup of tea and then took the dog out. When I got back, my legs were hurting so much I had trouble getting up the stairs. I cooked dinner for my daughter and had something ready for my husband who got it shortly after nine.

I simply don’t know how I’m going to cope in July and August when I need to work seven days a week while the work is there, to cover for the winter months when there is no work at all. Added to this, the new regime dictates I have to produce a detailed lesson plan for every lesson I teach. This means a good half an hour to an hour every evening to prepare. When I do excursions at the weekends, I’m often not home till 9.30pm. If I don’t produce plans to the standard asked for, I’ll get asked (read: ordered) to do them again. I get the same rate as I got last year even though I’m being asked to do more.

I don’t understand how people manage to work full time, keep up with the domestic chores as well as home improvements, and all the rest of the things other people seem to do. I’m starting to feel like an inferior human being because I just can’t do it. I make excuses for myself all the time but in the end, I just fail to keep up.

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Just too damn tired…

  1. Hi viv66,

    I just came across your post and you are sooo right! Life is just one big uphill struggle since I started working full-time again, so I can emphasize with you, especially the bit where you write about maintaining a certain level off mess you can cope with – I know the feeling and unfortunately, every now and again I go well below that certain level off mess which then completely freaks me out (and no doubt, my family too).
    I don´t think that other people cope as well as they make out to, at least my equally working and stressed out friends don´t either. I guess the secret is not to aim to high and to forget about the standards we used to have prior to having kids (I´ve got 3 lovely but messy boys) and working.
    So chin up – I am sure to visitors it is not half as bad as you think ;-).
    Relax and have a nice day off!!

    Regards, Tina

    • Hi Tina,
      lovely to hear you here.
      I only have one child, who will be 20 next week. She has ME and I always feel rotten saying I’m tired when it’s not as bad as her baseline everyday tiredness.
      My home is rather eccentric anyway, wall to wall books and curios and drums and so on, and a cottage suite that is a good fifty years old (the wood is the only original thing, I’ve replaced the webbing, the cushions and the covers) rather than the usual DFS special.
      I have a very dear friend who takes mess and muck to a stellar level, and doesn’t give a fig if people think badly of her but I can’t manage that yet!
      We do also have a dog and two cats who generously contribute to the mess!!
      cheers,
      Viv

  2. Hi Viv,

    Smile. You’ve got a lot that can make you happy. Let me see…two cats and a dog, a daughter and a mess-maker friend. Steer things the right way and you’d be sitting on those cushions wiggling your toes while all these creatures work for you. Of course, you need to do some planning:) How about a reward-system? A job done – a reward earned! Works well with humans too (in fact better than it works on dogs.)

    Train your k9 companion to do some work for you. I fetch bedsheets/pillows/cushions/my bowl/their cellphones…and everything else – and then put everything back in its place! It would take some initial effort, but then you can laze around the house, while your hardworking dog does all the work.

    And the cats…well! They are born to rule – so you can’t really get them to do anything (you’ve heard that one – haven’t you? A dog looks up to his mistress and says, “She does everything for me, she must be a goddess; while a cat looks down upon her and says, “She does everything for me, I must be a goddess.”) So, invite your goddesses to join you on your cushion!

    Are you smiling now?

    Licks n wags,
    Oorvi

    • Alas, my dog is probably too old and too self willed to learn anything like that now. But she’s my closest companion and always delighted to see me. She’s been unwell the last week and has been to the *hushes voice* V..E..Ts.
      I also have a lovely husband who is very hardworking indeed and very supportive; he’s now gone to the supermarket in search of ingredients for one of my fave dinners, Ratatouille.
      My por daughter is sadly suffering from a long term illness that makes her extremely tired too, so her ability to run round after me is very limited.
      My cats are boy cats, and very cute; I shal post pics next week.
      *guinea squeaks and chirrups to you*
      Viv

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s