revisiting self-doubt

I’m there again, in that nasty little space marked self doubt. It doesn’t matter that I can tell myself I’m OK at what I do, or that colleagues tell me I’m great at what I do. There’s still this niggling sense of inadequacy that come back as a roar on some days, the feeling that I’m not good enough and that people are too kind to tell me this. Logic tells me I wouldn’t still be employed in this capacity if I were rubbish at it; I take no notice. Experience tells me that I must be all right at it too, because the students don’t flock to tell their leaders otherwise. But today I had to hand in a feedback form that had open criticism of a colleague on it, and ask that it be kept discreet. I wonder if others have done the same for me, to save my getting angry or upset?

I’m not sure I can blame the Goblins for this one. It’s been there a lot longer than I’ve been a goblin hunter. And I still don’t know why it happens because its in the face of evidence. I know I’m not and am never likely to be the world’s greatest teacher; it doesn’t bother me that much. If I can be the best I can be, that should be enough. But today I even doubt that.

I blame my hormones again.

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8 thoughts on “revisiting self-doubt

  1. It’s good that you are able to separate the reality of the outer world which accepts you as a capable person and the inner world which broils with self-doubt. Hang in there. Have a glass of wine and lose yourself in your significant other for a few hours.

    • Well, I had a glass of Jacques fruit cider at the pub with one of my new Spanish friends and then spent time with my husband, who is about as significant as it gets. I feel OK. The doubts won’t go away though.
      I think it may be because of all the rubbish from the last 18 months that I feel this way; it’s going to take time to heal!
      thank you!

  2. You must feel shellshocked after everything. Maybe you should go back to that wonderful crystal cave meditation and hand around there for a while.

    BTW, finished Torchwood: Children of Earth. Even though I knew by this time much of what would happen, I still cried my eyes out. And then I couldn’t sleep properly. The raging cold I have didn’t help either.

    • I think I shall do just what you suggest Alice. I have a number of Cds too that I must use.
      The Torchwood seemed far too harsh for me; I’m not sure that was neccessary either in terms of plot or style!!
      hope the cold is better soon!
      xx

      • I got the sense while watching COE that this was the direction Russell Davies had always wanted to take, and that he had been inching closer as the series evolved. COE had a notable lack of playfulness and witty banter. I’ve never really watched Dr. Who, but from the snippets I’ve seen, it seems to me that there’s a level of playfulness and camp that is accepted and expected. The aliens, sets and props don’t need to have the sheen of verisimilitude. The acting is supposed to be exuberant rather than subtle. And Torchwood, for all its sexiness and dark elements, pretty much went along that trajectory up until COE. When they blew up the hub in COE, it was a signal that the show was going to be tearing down a different highway.

        COE was straight-out sci fi drama similar to shows like Battlestar Gallactica . I do think they did an exceptional job with regard to acting and narrative, but I have a hard time imagining where they are going with season 4, which I hear had been signed. It can’t go back to what it was in seasons 1 and 2.

        Anyway, sorry to go on about this when it has nothing to do with your post! It’s just that we had traded comments on it before and it’s much on my mind.

      • That’s OK, Alice. I enjoyed the chat.
        To be honest there is a nihilism in Russel Davies writing that upsets me a lot; it even sneaks through in Dr.Who.

  3. “If I can be the best I can be”

    You are alway the best that you can be in any given moment!
    I often fail to tell myself this!
    This little beast of self doubt has been visiting me frequently in the past few weeks and it is sometimes hard to let it go.
    Even if a student ended up criticising you that does not mean that you are bad teacher! There are bad students too!!

    Hugs

  4. Self-doubt could be really frustrating. Frequently I make the tiniest mistake and feel a complete failure. Just like you, when I feel this way, I’m not at all influenced by what others say or apparently think about my abilities or performance. It’s something deep inside that has nothing to do with actual results or achievements.
    Since it feels so bad, however, lately I’ve been trying to change the way I look at it. I try to stop thinking that I’m not competent or experienced enough. Instead I tell myself that nobody is perfect and if this feeling of dissatisfaction and self-doubt has attacked me, it means my inner voice is telling me there is a good opportunity to improve further. This is easier said than done, but it helps me. 🙂

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