Limited range

I’ve been thinking today that I have something missing from my range of emotions; I have trouble both feeling and expressing or responding to good things. I can’t express joy or happiness. I don’t know how to. I don’t know sometimes how to feel them or in fact what they feel like.

It’s hard to explain. I’ve had a sick headache today but I didn’t realise quite how bad it was until I took some painkillers and it started to ease. Until that point I hadn’t realised how much it had been affecting me; oh, I’d known I couldn’t think straight no matter how hard I tried. But the difference between having the pain and not having it was quite profound; but I can’t say what the difference between say, feeling ill, not feeling ill and feeling actually well might be. I think it might be like this with my emotions: I know what it feels like to be depressed and to be NOT depressed but I have trouble with the state of being beyond NOT depressed. I can’t actually imagine it right now and in my memory, many of the days of my life that ought by rights to have been blissfully happy, I can’t recall any emotional state beyond feeling OK. I’ve gone through much of my life with a So what state of mind and I am ashamed of it. Occasions I can remember feeling something beyond OK, I can also remember not knowing how to express or to celebrate whatever it was. When I finally passed my driving test, all I did was punch the air and say, slightly loudly, “Yes!”

I’m not sure if I am capable of deep positive emotion or whether I am just so far down the emotional range that I simply don’t have a means of expressing the good stuff. I envy people who can go round with a big grin and so on. Maybe I’ve just had too many disappointments and disasters to really allow myself to hope for better.

I don’t know.

Anyway, I shall try. Next time something good happens i am going to try and explore what it feels like and will report back.

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5 thoughts on “Limited range

  1. You are an artist and a highly sensitive person. I’m sure you have the capacity of feeling the entire range of positive emotions. I believe that, as you say, it’s the negative experience that has blocked your ability to feel blissfully happy.
    In fact, this post of yours is very much in unison with my own necessity to ponder on my emotions lately. For a long time I’ve realized that even if I feel joy, I don’t know how to express it. I don’t event want to express it, I want to keep it all to myself.
    I’ve read a book recently where there was an exercise to describe my basic state. Honestly, that was so difficult! When I asked my self why I couldn’t describe it, the answer that popped up was that my basic state, in which I felt relatively good, was the state of not feeling anything. Can you imagine, I have created this mechanism to protect me, unconsciously convincing myself that feeling good is in fact feeling nothing.

  2. When I’m down, I’m down. But when I’m up, I’m not ever sure where I am. Sometimes I think it’s habit. Then I remember the Tegretol, Lamictal, and Lexapro and the days in the hospital and realize overcoming the inability to express joy is a struggle, not because I choose it, but because most of the time the struggle makes me too tired.
    (By the way, how do I put a link to your blog on mine?)

    • Hi Harold,
      good to see you here.
      Ok, to put a link, go to your Links bar on your dashboard and follow the instructions there; you can link as blogroll (that is blogs you like or would recommend) or in other categories. If you look at the side of mine, you can see I have a section for blogs I like and cool shopping sites and music and so on. If you have trouble just ask and I can talk you through. I had help when i first started blogging because I didn’t have a clue what i was doing and only recently found with help again how to make sure a link to my avatar(that little pic of me) comes up whenever I leave a comment anywhere.
      I’m not on any meds now but spent years on good ole Prozac.
      cheers,
      viv

  3. Viv,
    This post saddens me. I wish I had some answers for you. Is there anything you think you want to do, or know you would love to do, that you are not doing? Maybe if you started taking the steps towards doing “that thing,” you’d begin to feel joy and passion. You are probably so used to taking care of others, but what are you doing to nuture your spirit? Just something to think about.

    • Hi there,
      I’m not sure what name to call you: I think you sign your posts as A, so hello again A!
      I don’t think it’s a matter of doing something as a matter of being someone. I do think it’s a lack in me created by long years of depressive illness, which is only ever banished to the periphery of my existence.
      I shall find a way. Thank you for your kindess!

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