Anatomy of Melancholy

I’ve been trying to get a handle on depression, in particular mine.

Breaking it down into the components, it looks like this:

1) a fair measure of melancholy that is part of my basic nature

2) intermittent clinical depression that sweeps in like a sea fret in summer, making everything grey, cold and miserable

3) a hefty dose of hormonal imbalance.

4) a running battle with chronic pain issues(which ought, like #3 be time limited)

5) some pretty difficult events in my life so far that have yet to be dealt with. I keep telling myself I’ll deal with them one day

6) a sneaky possibility that the depression wears a different face and is in fact a variety of bi-polar disorder

Batting on my team of positives are:

1) a sense of humour that verges on the ridiculous

2) intelligence

3)strong will and determination

4) the innate belief that my feelings and issues are not any more important than anyone else’s and they don’t need to suffer mine as well as their own.

5) extensive knowledge and experience of natural band-aids to get me through hard times

6) my ability to convey feelings etc in writing.

I’m not even going to touch on my support network of  family and friends. I only wanted to include in my list the things that I have any sort of claim to owning, on either side of the battle lines.

So there you have it. Which side are you putting your money on then, if you were a betting man/woman?


20 thoughts on “Anatomy of Melancholy

  1. Your team of positives of course:-) They are stronger and they’ve played against your negatives in the past! They’ll win – I am confident.


  2. Viv, I have faith in you- you can write a list of reasons to be in depression but then you list your ways and tools for dealing with it. This means you are determined and fighting with those negative issues and I know you will come through it all.
    A good sense of humor and the ability to laugh at myself (and not take myself so seriously) is my tool of getting through hard times too…

  3. I understand more than you’ll ever know.

    I love this post. I don’t want to compare. We are all unique BUT accepting, finding coping mechanisms AND Finding the ability to laugh ( even at our own fraitlies ) is key, I think!

    You know, based on family opinion, I REALLY didn’t even like myself until I was way up into my 30s. What a waste of time, wallowing in self loathing.

    Life is good! Ya know?

    I found that when I stopped trying to fit perfectly into THAT proverbial mold, and just be the best I can be, is when IWas able to break FREE and shine on my own merits.

    Dunno what else to say BUT enjoy reading your blog.

    • I still don’t like myself terribly much. It’s not based on anything to do with moulds or perceived images of shoulds. It’s more like a personality clash with myself, one of those instant aversions you feel for certain people. I certainly wouldn’t chose to be my friend if I were another person.
      I’m glad you like reading my blog. When i write, I forget who I am and become something, someone else for the duration. That’s maybe why writers’ block for me is so devastating.

      • Writer’ BLock IS devastating for me too .

        For years, I dreamt my poetry and simply poured it out onto a page in the morning. Then suddenly it all stopped for awhile. Anything else seemed very contrived to me.

        BUT yeah, when I was going thru my lowest period in life, it was IF I was reborn as something other than my truest self.

        BUT I have recently come to the conclusion that that WAS my truest self emerging!

        Take care Viv!

  4. Viv, I think your positives will win out because you’re aware that the ride is going to have highs and lows and you won’t forget that during the low. Your ability to write your feelings out is so valuable, so keep at it, all the time. And when you feel really low, reach out to someone and don’t worry about whether your feelings are more or less important. In the end, Karma balances all that sort of thing out when we give/receive without judgement.

    • Thanks Madison. I’ve never been sure about Karma at all.
      usually when I am “bad” I go hide like a sick animal and stay away; or I hide it as best I can.

  5. Humor is your best tool.
    Try to fool your own mind.
    So, there is the body sensation… the hardest to deal with. Swim. Water will remind you the essential, connect with the water in you. There must be a particular moment of dissappointment, can you remember it ? Rewind it in your mind with a different end. The one you were expecting. Rewind you being the hero of your life.
    You can do it.

    • Good ideas, thank you Claudia.
      As an emergecny measure, I took a hot bath (I’m a shower girl normally).
      Moments of disappointment are too many to deal with though. And I’ve never been a hero in anyone’s life yet.

  6. My Macho answer : 6-6=0 so there you are in the middle ,its up to you.
    (he is such a jerk I just thought I would get that junk over with first)
    (sometimes I get depressed when he comes off with that stuff)

    My feminine side answer: just think how easy it will be when 3 and 4 have gone .

    My dark rock and roll answer : “ I’m a loser baby so why don’t you kill me” –remember that one ha ha

    My practical experience answer: wax your board and ride the wave .
    Funny how you see it coming ,know what is happening and still there you are.
    Just like a storm,just like a lightning rod .

    I will take issue with intelligence on the plus side and melancholy on the negative, I would switch their places but what do I know up here on my cloud. : )

    Ultimately I know that you win . I really think it is great that you share this stuff.


  7. I’m going to hedge my bet ’cause I think we will have many of these feelings — so something akin to ’em — as long as we live and love.

    Do the “negatives” contribute to the positives? Are we ridiculously happy at times because of the other end of the emotional spectrum we touch and pull away from?

    I don’t know.

    But let me know when someone comes up with the answers.

    michael j
    a fellow sufferer

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