Becalmed

I’ve been working very hard the last few weeks, teaching and touring with my students and I’d forgotten  quite how exhausting I find it and how much it takes out of me. While I haven’t taught all day every day, I usually come home and the first thing I have to do is prepare the lesson for the next day. It’s hand-to-mouth stuff, responding to both the requests of a class and to what I have observed they may need. There’s not a lot of me left over many evenings, and that tends to be taken up with dealing with family needs of one sort of another. I’m not exactly a workaholic but to be honest, if I do something I like to do it properly and no stint at it, so I undoubtedly do more than I am paid for at work, for the sake of both professional pride in a job well done and for the students. Today I said goodbye to the class I have taught for the last 3 or so weeks. I cried a tiny bit too. They got cookies and brownies, though.

I’m finding it hardest at this time of year to find that delicate balance between allowing my creative self to flourish and putting her into a state of suspended animation until the summer is over. Some evenings, if I have been home by lunchtime, I have been able to write for a few hours. The trouble with this is that like any delightful experience, I don’t want it to end and then am unable to get to sleep at a sensible time to allow for a 6am start the next day.

Now the sheer tiredness is starting to take over. I went to give blood last week and discovered that while not fully anaemic, I was close enough for them to send me away without taking any blood. I have had a few other health niggles and now, I have one of those annoying colds that is just hovering there, making me sneeze and giving me sore sinuses.

Creatively, I am stuck too. There are ideas there but they are too nebulous to really focus on and I suspect a self-protection mechanism is stopping me. The number of visitors here has dropped to a low number and I feel like a sea- going vessel that relies on the wind, when the wind suddenly drops and the sails go slack and empty.

Becalmed. 

I’m sitting in a silent sea, with nothing but seagulls for company and no wind in my sails.

What to do? Well, blowing into the sails is a rather futile gesture and weather magic is unpredictable, so this is what I propose to do:

I shall sink anchor, see to some housekeeping aboard my boat and hunt out my fishing rod. I’m going to just slump on deck in the sunshine, see what bites and just wait. I may even go swimming.

You can’t fight the weather any more than you can fight the internal  doldrums. Maybe it’s time to enjoy some down time. God knows I am about as flat at the ray below!

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17 thoughts on “Becalmed

  1. Read.

    And then, read some more, rather than write.

    Break out the books you wanted to invest time into, rather than expressing yourself. You could grow with the knowledge. Hey, I got a little of Anne in me from the book you recommended, “Mister God, this is Anne,” which I would not have found the time to take in if I constantly wrote or “worried” about putting enough time into the Blog.

    I’m into the Kabbalah, which requires reading and discussions, as well as contemplation. It will come at the expense of Blogging.

    But when I discover that God indeed was an Englishman, you’ll be the first I’ll noitify.

    Hang in, teacher of mine . . .

    michael j

    • I have taken your advice, Michael j and am trying to step back and relax and read. I finally bought the new Dan Brown, once it got to a low enough price and am enjoying being suitably mindless for a while….
      I have looked at the Kabbalah a little and indeed my teacher told me I would be very good at it…and then moved to the USA and didn’t find me a teacher I can rely on here. So I decided it could wait till I foudn the right teacher; it strikes me as something one ought not to take too much of a DIY approach to.
      xx

  2. There seems to be a lot of this going around!
    Fishing, reading, but most of all taking care of your health seem like perfectly fine solutions.
    We all need rest.
    Rest well, you’ve earned it!

    • I read your post about being in the doldrums a day or so ago, Jenny. You are right; there does seem to be a universal hiatus at the moment.
      I do need rest, rather a lot. I slept in this morning, which was good, but was woken by next door’s kids screaming and squealing in the garden…:(
      be well.
      x

  3. Does yout blog count visitors? I know some do, and others only note comments.

    I belong to a number of forums (forae?) from which I receive so many posts that I often have to just delete with out reading. This is in the winter/spring period, but starting a cuple of months ago, they all tailed off and I receive about 2 posts a day; and often my posts are not responded to (ends sentence with preposotion to annoy Viv)> As a sort of research project, I both pisted a “why has nobody responded” and trawled the archives. My conclusions were:
    1. Most responses referred to “holiday season” and “people are out doing it rather than talking about it.”
    2. Posts that require easy answers are responded to in the summer.
    3. Posts which are clearly going to lead to a conversation are avoided in the summer.
    4. Posts involving some thought i.e. technical or advice are, actually welcomed in the dark months, but actively avoided in the light months – particularly the summer.
    5. Posts dealing with emotion always lead to a flurry of responses, misunderstandings and flaming in January and February but are greeted with throwaway lines like “what a shame” in the warmer months.

    Take what you like from this but I would suggest that you are not alone and shouldn’t necessarily see your experience as directly related to your input.

    And I still love you Ian

    • Ian, yes, it does count visitors, but I turned off the public counter because I felt it to be counter productive ie people rate your blog according to your stats(which is stupid).
      I had noticed the same drop off last summer but wasn’t sure because I was still quite new to blogging.
      I guess it is just the summer and not me(and yes, i did have a slight paranoia about that)
      I don’t care about sentences ending in prepositions as long as it makes sense
      and I still love you, Ian, too!
      thanks!

  4. I have experienced the same drop in numbers with the exception of your guest post (thank you) which sparked a lot of interest. Use this quiet time to get some very well deserved rest while looking after yourself.
    xxx

  5. Hi Viv,

    Loved your guest post at J’s blog. Don’t worry about the numbers:) I guess I believe in numbers a lot more than you do, but at the same time, they can never measure the quality of your content.

    I try to enjoy the breaks that I get…but Dan Brown’s The Lost Symbol isn’t something that I’d recommend. I think it’d make you tired.

    Smile and laugh:)

    Shafali

  6. Yes…I was warned.
    Yes…I knew.
    But I haven’t seen a lovelier blog…so what do I do?

    I tiptoe in, I leave the award on the table, and I leave…shhh…not a sound…

    Viv, it’s yours – and you needn’t do anything:) And Barb asked me to tell you that she is in it with me on this.

    Regards,
    Shafali

  7. Viv, I was here earlier, reading you..did you hear me? LOL..
    You just visited my blog..Thank you for taking the time to comment!

    I had typed a long reply earlier, then decided it was too…well… I deleted it..

    Not getting replies to our posts does not necessarily mean we are not being read, it could mean that sometimes people are intimidated about sharing honestly …or sometimes they are just flying by in this busy world of ours but are pausing and being present on our page long enough to take something with them of value..Who knows what ripples we create when we share pieces of our life…

    I’m always reminded that we are in this life together.. Little sparks of light connected to each other…

    I hope you’ll feel much happier soon..

    Leaving you a Hug here for when you need it! xxooxx

    PS numbers are overated! LOL…

    • I did hear you…or rather I spotted a referral on the stats page from your blog and headed over.
      I had a horrible night and was up and about several times.
      thanks, it’s appreciated.
      x

    • You are very kind.
      I had a better night on Sunday, but I did say that if they were going to do it again I would go round and complain. I have good neighbours and we get on very well but sometimes enough is enough.
      Still fighting to get quite enough sleep but after today I am working afternoons not mornings so can sleep in a little.
      xx

  8. Hey viv!

    It seems that you are in a contemplative phase; sure, you feel tired due to the other demands, however, that may be a way for your body to tell you to drop anchor, and see what magic comes in the place that you are sitting, not sailing to. When I have shifted my perspective to be about where I am at right now, vs. where I want to be going, magic happens. I feel inspired, grateful and in the moment. Wondrous times, indeed!!!! I am glad to be reading you again…… Hugs! V.

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