I don’t do rants very often; they’re counter productive and unattractive and downright whingeing. I’m all for meticulous counting of blessings and as far as is reasonable, looking on the bright side of everything.
But I can only stay positive for so long in the face of overwhelming patterns of negativity. And I have noticed once more a pattern in my life that is bugging the hell out of me.
Let me backtrack to the trigger. This recent brush with a possible new job has reminded me how often I have been on the very brink of something exciting and life changing, only to have it inexplicably withdrawn at the very last moment. I was on the train, on my way to an interview where I was considered the strongest of three candidates, when I get told the interview is cancelled. Nothing I can do, nothing I have done; it’s a fait accompli, someone else’s decision.
Over and over, the same thing has happened. Something comes up, it seems to be the very auspicious start of something important and then, flop, it dies. I confess I had a horrible fear of standing at the altar, and finding my groom had developed second thoughts and had gone to Marrakesh to ‘find himself’, but getting(and staying married) has been the one thing that has not turned into dust before it reached fruition. Going through the various stages of submissions to publishers and agents has had the same frustrating and maddening processes crop up again and again. A publisher contacts me, excited about the MS I have sent, telling me how much they like it and so on. Then, they change their mind: the slot they thought they had is no longer available, or some other reason. Or they like the initial sample chapters but find they don’t ‘love’ the whole thing. Or the agent who took me on who tried a few of his tame publishers(whom he’d obviously thought of to start with) and when they were unable to take the novel, dropped me without ever bothering to actually tell me why. That one still hurts a LOT.
It’s been the same with a fairly large number of other things, where it has seemed that something big was about to start, only to have it fizzle out before it came to anything. I am not talking about times where I have built castles in the air and been busy choosing the curtains when the dream ended, but all manner of projects and ideas, where someone else has contacted me to work on it.
Can someone please tell me just what am I doing wrong? I follow up as far as is possible with things, I work hard and yet, things just wither in the bud before they bloom. It’s happened often enough now to be a very obvious pattern in my life and I’m sick of it. It’s like living at a perpetual stutter, always in preparation for some elusive something that never really lives. Imagine constantly getting pregnant, and within weeks or months, having the baby die inside you and never finding out why or what you can do to prevent it happening again. That’s what it feels like.
In the end it’s not about this stupid job that never came to anything but about this pattern that repeats at regular intervals. I ask again: what am I doing wrong?
Rant over, thank you for listening.