Hopes, dreams, desires but no resolutions
I’m running a little late with my New Year’s Day post, but we do have over 360 days left still.
I’ve avoided making resolutions for many years because being a past-master of self-sabotage, I’ve always managed to jinx myself before I’ve even started, so the most I am going to work at is intentions, hopes, etc.
2012 is a much-hyped year but I am not even going to dignify the silliness by attempting to talk about the end of the world!
My hopes for this year include: my daughter’s full recovery from M.E. This is a very important one, and also is something I want very much. Other hopes include: finding a decent job I enjoy that doesn’t drain the life out of me with office politics and also pays well. This one is something of a forlorn hope; not convinced how many companies would like to employ a middle-aged woman trying to launch a new career, regardless of how able I actually am. More realistic hopes work-wise include doing an increased number of Continental trips, teaching a steady amount over the whole year. Unrealistic hopes: a pay rise and better working conditions for my teaching job.
I am also hoping that the steady month on month increase in sales of my books continues to grow and that people who enjoy my writing will pass news of it onto others. Without a marketing budget, I do rely on word of mouth.
Dreams: somehow finding my mojo again. I feel like the sheer slog of getting books promoted has driven away my joy in writing. During the winter months, I have a lot of time on my hands that I could use to write. I get little done and I have no motivation to get myself back in the saddle. Lots of people have been talking about strategies and five year plans and so on, but I realised that being the disorganised mess I’ve always been, setting that sort of thing out is just going to be another stick to beat myself with for failing. I am a writer, I am not a businesswoman or a marketer. I can’t force myself into a mould I cannot ever fit and so I want to be true to myself and retain my own personal integrity. Some people might sneer at that and mutter that I am doomed to fail as a writer. So be it, then. I’d rather fail as a professional writer than fail as a human being trying to live an honest and personally authentic life. This means I shall continue to steer clear of practises that I have seen others use to sell books and which do not sit comfortably with my own ethical and moral stance.
More dreams: I want to do a lot more deep, inner work. Meditation, drumming, journeying, retreats and pilgrimages. I’ve not made a plan, but I have a number of new books to work through.
I want to read more generally. I am bored of most books, and have been finding a great deal of comfort in the surprise discoveries of certain Indie books, where the homogenising influences of editorial pressures have not slashed and burned the originality out of new works. The books I have written about on here have been a selection of these, not so much reviews(this is not and never will be a book review blog) as recommendations. There are more I wish to “review” but again, I don’t want to feel pressure to do so. I have had requests from various writers to review theirs, and in time, I hope to do so. But I don’t want to change the focus of this blog by concentrating on reviews.
More dreams: I am considering releasing 3 volumes of works all drawn from this blog. Since there are over 600 posts here, articles, poetry, short stories etc, it is impossible for a reader to trawl through the categories and find what might be most enjoyable/helpful. So I envisage 3 books: Tales from the Tightrope ( a book of short stories), Songs from the Tightrope (poetry) and Words from the Tightrope (articles) all to be released in sequence as e-books and as paperbacks. In terms of the Words one, I’d be interested from my readers which posts would you most like to see in a book.
Desires: to get lost in writing again. I have an extensive back catalogue of novels I shall be releasing, but I also have 2 novels in various stages of disrepair, and ideas and thoughts for plenty of others. But to bring them to fruition, I need to be able to find the motivation to write. I don’t write for the money, or for fame (though a moderate amount of each is acceptable) but for the stories themselves. They have a life force all of their own, and at present, I am unable to really channel that.
More desires: to find some lasting inner peace and not be driven by my fears and my failings. I’m never going to be perfect and I need to accept that I will fail, I will hurt people at times, and that I am human and utterly fallible. I drive myself very hard at times; I want to learn how to step back and say, “Enough!” and rest.
I want to sleep. It sounds simple enough, doesn’t it, but I have been having trouble with insomnia consistently for some years now. I have times where I sleep well; at present it is very poor indeed. I think this ties in with my inability to let myself stop and rest. Things that I cannot resolve prey on my mind, very deeply and my mind doesn’t quite shut down enough to rest. I’ve tried dozens of remedies and techniques and some work for a while. But like my baseline depression this goes deep; cut off the shoots, they spring again because the roots remain untouched.
I want to stop hating myself. Of all the dreams, hopes and desires, this is probably the biggest one of all, and the oldest of problems. If I could find out why I feel this way, then perhaps I might be able to change it.
Anyway, a very brief run through of some of the things at the forefront of my mind in these early days of the new year. I’m down with a cold that refuses to come out properly and my face feels mashed and sore with inflamed sinuses, so I hope this was not too garbled.
Let’s see if together, we can make a difference to the lives of others this year, and maybe also our own. For it is in giving that we shall receive.