D is for Detachment

D is for Detachment

It might also be for dissociation. There’s a very fine line between the two states. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dissociation_(psychology) . Some might argue that there’s simply a continuum that begins with a feeling of detachment and goes deeply into depersonalisation.

I’m hovering at the sense of detachment, of disconnection with the world around me, the world of people and their concerns. I’m turning away more and more often at the absurdity of what I see around me, turning in desperate sadness at the awful things going on in the world, and my brief flare of anger is snuffed out by a helplessness and a frustration that while we should know better, we apparently have not learned from our mistakes. I’m turning away from the ridiculous world of writing (for publication) and the competitive, compulsive pursuit of glory. It all seems rather venial. I’m withdrawing from social contact because it hurts too much; everything is too loud, too aggressive, too harsh, too overwhelming.

I wish I could say I was becoming enlightened, reaching a state of non-attachment to worldly things but I’m not. There’s a glass barrier between me and the things I used to feel and think. That’s detachment. There’s a gap between input to my brain and output from it (to speech or to action) that’s very link speaking on a satellite link: a delay between the words being spoken and the words being heard, and the same with replies; it makes me feel stupid, as if half my intelligence has become frozen or lost.

It’s not nice, but at present I think it may be nicer than the alternative.