Maths Is Not My Strong Point (Final #smallstone)

 

Maths is not my strong point (Final #smallstone)

 

   Wrestling with figures knocks points off my IQ and makes me feel intensely blonde without ever going near a hairdresser or bottle of bleach. I stare manically at my expenses form and tell myself I can do it. My calculator has vanished somewhere under my desk and I panic and do the numbers on a post-it note and find myself ten Euros short. Panic. How can I have lost ten Euros? Same way I lost my glasses going up the Eiffel tower ~ sheer inattention and stress. Try again, using the calculator on the computer and magically the missing money reappears. I breath again, and count the remaining cash. It matches.

There are guardian angels that watch over people like me. I even got my glasses back, unharmed. We can’t be good at everything and maths is never going to be one of my strengths.

(ps. I am a natural blonde.)

Waking #smallstone 14

 

Waking

Somewhere inside
A clock goes “tick”
And I stagger
Up the shores of sleep
Draped in weeds
And shreds of dreams
To face the day
Blinking
Rubbing my eyes
And wondering:
Where have I been?

Thaw #smallstone 13

 

Thaw #smallstone 13

 

It’s still not warm but the change is still startling. I can sit in an unheated house, without needing two jumpers and feeling my fingers become chilled. I walked in the garden without wishing I had put a coat on. The ambient indoor temperature is comfortable even without the heating on.

On windowsills, sprouting bulbs in pots lean towards the light, yearning for the touch of sun. The green shoots of snowdrops shine with vibrant life. Hyacinth flowers still unopened seem paused for breath, and on the dining room table, oblivious of outside conditions, my jasmine plant opens bloom after starry bloom and fills the room with waves of exotic scent, making me think of Mediterranean gardens on summer nights.

It may be a temporary thing, but it might be enough to get me through to Candle-mas and the start of springtime.

Winter woodland #smallstone 11

 

Winter woodland #smallstone 11

 

 

The fallen leaves have changed from the glory of autumn to the uniform colour of the mud they are slowly disintegrating into, and the crispness of November has become the leathery texture of ancient snakeskin. Mud clings to my boots and to my jeans and my breath hangs like that of an asthmatic dragon as I walk, muscles aching from illness and make myself lengthen stride to make my heart pound. There are the tiniest of green shoots, snowdrops in all probability, but the leaf buds remain tightly bound and unresponsive. Around me though bird song occasionally trills out, the first tentative changes in their tunes can be heard if you know how to listen. They’re cautious, of course, and their chatter here and there is filled with rumour: we may live through this cold yet and come to the spring, but we must be strong. The trees are silent, lost in deeper sleep than Arthur the King, and even when I rest hand or ear on them, I sense nothing but dreaming. This is a time of blind trust, that the worst, the longest days of hardship are over and little by little, the light will return and with it, hope of new life.

Dry #smallstone 10

 

Dry

 

I’m bone-dry

Not a word left

That I need to write

Beauty and interest

Surround me

And fail to touch.

There’s a wall

Bricks of anxiety

Mortar of fear

Behind it, words hide

Trembling with fright

At their abandonment.

 

 

Morning ritual #smallstone 8

 

Morning ritual #smallstone 8

 

I burn sage, each morning.

The snap of the lighter brings tiny tongues of flame licking at the grey leaves in the shell; the brilliant orange leaps and darts from leaf to leaf, before turning to a smoulder. Leaves char and burn and threads of smoke rise as I look to the east, to the risen sun lost in rain clouds. Softly I fan the eagle feather across the shell, wafting the smoke around, cleansing and restoring and I let the words of prayer speak silently to the patient Listener. Words of love and entreaty, some of gratitude, some of reproach and despair; no words are barred.

The faint blue tinge of sage smoke spreads through the room, the pungent scent calming, and I feel a sense of being heard.

That has to be enough, some days.