Every day a new start….

The photo above was taken in February on my first ever flight. I never got round to posting any of my photos from my trip to Austria, which is a shame but this one caught my eye last night when I was thinking about something else. Dawn was just breaking over Europe and the day (while I’d not really been to bed at all) was all new and fresh and full of possibilities. It was a great trip; exhausting but packed full of new sights and experiences. I really didn’t know what the whole thing was going to entail; no real idea of what to expect. Scary.

Yesterday I had a fit of the doldrums. Not exactly depression, more a sort of dissatisfaction with life and with the fact that having worked my socks off for the last couple of weeks, I had an entire day, with the house to myself, to do with as I wanted, and could spend the whole day writing. But the writing wouldn’t happen. I spent hours at the computer, doing nothing, in real terms, and getting crosser and crosser with myself for it.

In the end, around six o’clock, I headed out to the woods with the dog and tried to stomp it away. I was just starting the return journey when my mobile phone made a noise at me to tell me I had a text. It was from my daughter, asking if she could be picked up from the station as she’d overtired herself(she has M.E). In the end, I made myself get in the car(first time in six months) and drive all of 3 miles to collect her. I don’t feel any sense of real achievement in doing this, just a residual irritation with myself that it was so hard to do.

But the point is that I did what I needed to do. Despite my annoyance that I hadn’t done any of the things I thought I wanted to do, I did do the things that needed to be done. And that, some days, is a massive achievement. When I woke that morning, I didn’t think, Hey today I will start to conquer my phobia about driving. Life doesn’t really work that way. We don’t often achieve what we thought we wanted to, but as collateral benefits, we do the things that actually need doing.

So when I got up this morning, after a restless night and poor sleep, I thought, let’s just take today one moment at a time. One minute, one hour at a time. Life happens in increments; sometimes we need to do the little things first.

So, a new day every day. I don’t do the whole motivational stuff, but that’s something I can hang onto. A mountain is never climbed in one leap, in seven league boots. It’s climbed in slow steady steps, with rests and basecamps and time to enjoy the scenery.

The other thing I really like about this photo is that you can’t see anything of the land below. We’re above the clouds and I have no idea what country I was flying over. I know where I was headed, true, but not where I was on the journey. Sometimes it’s important to stop worrying about Are we there yet?  

Remember, every day a new start…..

A return to myself

After recent events and changes, I’ve begun to feel as if I am now able to return to my real self, my old way of being. Now that I am not almost paralysed with despair and banging my head against a metaphorical brick wall, I have sensed the start of a returning creativity.

A few nights ago, I began thinking about the novel I began over a year ago which became stalled and unable to progress. The very first inklings of who the people are began to trickle back into my mind and I started to imagine again, to let a story begin to unfold in my mind.

I’ve really missed this. The difficulty is that I am very tired and still rather under the weather emotionally. I can feel my equilibrium returning but even so, I’m not back to balance at all. I had a sleep this afternoon which was extremely welcome, but it did make me notice just how tired I am. Next week I’m back to teaching a full class; this week I have been teaching one-to-one with an adult. It’s been a nice change but it’s if anything more intense emotionally than having a class of kids. The summer season is drawing to an end. Only a few more weeks and the summer school is over. I’ve got work for three weeks in September, then me and my husband have some time off together. Then I don’t know what will happen workwise.

I’m just looking forward to having some time where I can dream and write and dream some more. In the meantime, I am going to try and get some writing done most days when I can fit it in. I managed to get some done today when I woke up.

The fabric of my work universe was ripped from top to bottom last week and we’re all readjusting to a new environment and it’s much better but for me, I need to see the events of the last 18 months (which is how long the work problems have been going on for me ) as food for thought and food for possible stories, and I need to let them sink in deeply and let my unconscious work with them.

It’ll be interesting to see what it makes of them over time. I’ll keep you informed!