Drama and confusion

I’m going to try and stay away from the gory and the medical but basically I woke up this morning in a pool of blood. As you can imagine it was a bit of a shock; there is history to this but it’s so complex and also personal, so I’d rather just skim over that, for the sake of my male readers especially.

I rang NHS direct for advice and the advice was to stay in bed, take it easy and drink plenty of fluids, plus very specific advice about how much was too much when it came to losing blood. I’ve followed said advice and am now feeling much better, and the blood has slowed to a sensible amount.

But while I was sleeping this afternoon I dreamed I was looking at birthday cake candles, the kind you put on a cake for a baby. I found one that was shaped like a  letter one and as I was lighting that, I burst into tears. I woke up crying bitterly.

On Thursday, as well as it being a hospital visit to the gynae department, it was also the 2oth birthday of my only child. On my hospital visit, I was asked if I had had all the children I wanted. One of the possible routes to ease some of the problems I have was also something that would also end any thought of future children.

Well, I’m 43, and while I don’t actually want more kids, I also don’t want to make a decision that totally and for all time rules that out. The clock is ticking anyway, and I’d be very surprised if I could ever conceive again. But even so, it’s a question I don’t want to answer and this morning, amid the pain and anxiety, I was also very afraid I might have to answer that question and make a decision.

You see, when I was younger, I did want a big family. At 19, I thought 10 was a nice round number. It’s silly, and I knew it then, and by the time I did have a child I knew how absurd it was. I’m not a motherly sort; I had to do everything by logic and research, trial and error.

There’s a line in a Paul Simon song, Further to fly… “tired as a dream that wants to die”. It sums up how I feel right now. I’m not able to make that sort of decision but I want to be free of the pain and illness too. I don’t want more children and yet I don’t want to rule it out.

I’m so confused. I’ve read a lot from Retired Eagle about the midlife crisis; now obviously his is from a male angle. I’m wondering if my current soul searching is a female equivalent, whether my recent reminder of my reproductive sell-by date is a part of what all of us face at a certain age, but narrowly focussed on the most basic of human drives.

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15 thoughts on “Drama and confusion

  1. Don’t panic. Keep yourself calm. You are not having a midlife crisis. Think carefully before you make a decision. Good luck.

  2. Oh Viv, what a scary and emotional day you must have gone through.

    I just got back from work to read your reply on my blog and in all honesty I didn’t expect to see a new post here this evening but something told me to visit anyway.

    I now understand a lot more why today brought up a lot of emotions. Whilst I can’t begin to imagine what you must have had to go through today, I can completely relate to your every word and confusion.

    I wish I had the words to give you clarity and the power to ease your pain.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you.

    You know where I am if ever you need someone to listen.

    Love

    J

    • Bless you J. that is so kind and so good to know.
      I spent most of yesterday in bed, and am aiming to take it slow and quiet today; maybe a gentle walk soemwhere beautiful.

      • Bless you too.

        Slow and quiet is good and so is a gentle walk!
        It’s good to know that you have next week off and hope you take it nice and easy.

        Look after yourself

      • I’m trying to catch up with my tasks as well as try and get ahead and write some lesson plans ahead of the week after; it’s easier and quciker to adapt something already written than to start from scratch.
        I find it very hard to rest; I drive myself too hard. And my mind is doing the bee in a bottle thing again…

    • Anonymously secret, thank you again. Can i ask, how did you come across this blog or are you someone I know already using a different email to the one I’m familiar with?

  3. Well no, I’ve never met or spoke to you before. This is the first. I just came across your blog randomly. I read what you wrote and just felt that it was definitely a freaky experience for a woman.

    That’s why I thought maybe I should… say something for an emotional support.

    Sorry, maybe it was a little random of me to just pop out of nowhere.

    • No, not to worry, I like people popping out of nowhere. Strangers are just friends we haven’t met yet.
      I guess (short of those who murder in amnesiac frenzy) there aren’t many people who wake in a pool of blood!
      the reason i asked is simply that occasionally people I know in the real world(so-called) pop by and use an identity I don’t recognise, and I know I’d feel silly if it turned out you were someone I already know!!
      Anyway, emotional support appreciated!

  4. Hi Viv. Well, you wonder if this is about midlife crisis. I don’t know and will not presume one way or another. Astrologically, midlife crisis begins at the age of 42 (or last part of being 41 or beginning part of being 43) and it finished at the age of 59 give or take six months on either side. That said, midlife crisis is not all about “crisis” in the traditional layman’s terms. It is about one wrestling with one’s self in terms of being authentic and about living purposefully.

    As you know, some drown out the angst with alcohol or dull the sensation with doctor prescribed drugs such as Valium. Some try to fill the emptiness with “stuff” and with “busyness.” Only you can know for sure what is moving within you. If doubtful, consult an expert that you can trust. And that expert doesn’t necessarily mean a medical expert who are trained to care for the body, not the soul.

  5. Viv, you know that I care and I don’t mean to brush off the experience. I responded because I care in a way that is honest. Just write off line if necessary, and I will take even more time to talk with you.

    • I really do appreciate you, and your thoughts, Retired eagle. I know this is not you brushing of the experience at all, just your own way of dealing with things. It scared the bejesus out of me on Saturday morning, as I said and when the same started happening again in the early hours of the morning, I was scared again. There’s something frightening about one’s own blood, especially for a woman who is actually used to blood, when it arrives in unpredicted and wildly erratic ways. I’m going to try and see a doctor for the physical side of things today. The rest, well, the Uk health care system is stretched to the limits and finding help for the other side of things is nigh on impossible.
      I do think something is going on here!

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